Long Pause Explained

The hiatus is over and I did a first try at bread #99 yesterday. It was a fun journey of anxiety, like any new bread venture.

So why the long pause? In a nutshell, overwhelming work that took up all of my creative energy, and expressing myself in painting instead of taking time to think about and search out new doughs to make and bake. But mostly the long pause was prompted by a death.

A couple of years ago, a friend of ours took ill, seriously ill, and spent his last months in a major hospital. We saw his improvement, giving hope to a life outside, followed by a slow decline and his passing. This was not a sweet 95 year old who had lived a full life. This was a man who left children who were not quite even beginning their own independent lives.

To respect a person who is no longer here to speak for himself, I will not rehash the terrible details of misdeeds of one who has passed away.  This death shook my faith in human nature, in the mercy of the universe, and in the idea of a higher power.

Behind the curtain

It was as if I had learned the terrible secret of life, that there is no justice, no guarantees, perhaps no kindly force protecting us.

Maybe it is all luck and careening toward the abyss, whatever we do.

So I baked as if on autopilot. I grew my starter; I baked whole wheat and rye breads, mostly. I did go through a rosemary phase when I mashed up rosemary springs into almost every dough. It is a sublime addition, but only if it is freshly grown. Dry rosemary from a little store-bought spice jar brings nothing to the table.

Up to My Limit at the Peter Principle

And work seemed to be like a hamster wheel with an ever-increasing rate of speed. What do you know, but it worked, at least according to some conventional standard of success in which one gets promoted, is rewarded with a raise, and is confronted with many congratulations. Really?

I liked my work until I was promoted. Now I am a juggling performer with tons of balls in the air, nice administrative balls of proposals, contracts, funders to satisfy, and TIME in the form of deadlines looming larger and larger as they approach. As the deadlines get ever closer, my dreams and ambitions appear further away.

To be resolved when I give myself time to ponder and courage to move in whatever direction, perhaps on some unpaved path.

Bread for fun

I made a challah for the Super Bowl. Makes me respect those amazing artists who bake and decorate in the Great British Baking Show. I am not quite addicted to the show, but I do enjoy it. For me, bread is decidedly not about looks, but the accomplishments of that show's bakers are mesmerizing indeed.

To brag about this meagre accomplishment, there were actual humans who recognized that this was indeed a challah football. Even those who did not make the visual connection - mostly those who never watch football - enjoyed the bread.

Next up: Bread #99, but after I try it one more time, this time with less anxiety and a little fresh rosemary.